The National Chelsea Front

It may not come as a surprise to some readers that a minority of Chelsea fans don’t like Jews. Some might say it’s a little backwards for one of the biggest clubs in Europe to still project a traditional English Christian ideology, especially given everything a certain Jewish Russian billionaire has done for them lately.

Now though the club themselves have got in on the act, genuinely having the audacity to ban all their fans of Greek origin for next week’s Champions League return clash with Olympiakos. Blues fans with Greek-sounding names trying to order tickets through the official channels, have been blocked, with the website simply saying the following: ‘non-members of a Greek nationality have been banned.’ Chelsea claim the ban was imposed at an executive level after “large numbers”of Olympiakos fans were suspected of using their club’s website to try to buy tickets in with the Chelsea fans. Quite where this intelligence came from is unknown, but it does mean that literally anyone wishing to buy tickets for next Wednesday clash at Stamford Bridge must now head down to the ground in person and show picture ID to be considered for allocation.

On paper though this still has the potential to be one of the great match-ups of the year next week in West London. No, don’t be stupid, not on the pitch, but in the parks and under the bridges throughout the area. We are of course talking about Chelsea’s famous Headhunter hooligan firm facing off against perhaps the most feared in Europe; the Olympiakos Gate 7 crew. Both sets of ‘supporters’ are the stuff of legend, with stories going back more than 50 years of cement-filled newspapers and sharpened steel-toe-caps. I for one cannot wait, it’s just a shame that Sky will insist on showing the crap that takes place on the pitch instead of the flaming bins and prison shankings that we all would much rather watch.

This whole incident begs the question of just who is next in the Blues witchhunt though; I wonder how they feel about gays and blacks? Maybe STT should help them cook up excuses to ban them from going to future games as well? I hear that gay people are the opponents of god, and well its pretty obvious that everyone of African descent is a thieving slave, so perhaps they should all just be locked underground somewhere? It must be nice living in the 19^th century; no diversity, no reality TV, and most attractively, the syphlitic wart that is Kerry Katona won’t be born for a good couple of hundred years yet…

Will the Real Ronaldo Please Stand Up

We seem to be spending a disproportionate amount of time covering the life and times of Cristiano Ronaldo these days, but since he’s always in the news, it’s just our job to report it. Latest rumour on the grapevine then is that a renewed offer has been put on the table by Spanish giants Real Madrid to make the Portuguese wonderkid the world’s highest-paid player. Machinations are underway to draw enough cash from club sponsors to offer him an inconceivable £8m a year, a salary which breaks down to the modest sum of £160,000 a week.

Along with Lionel Messi, he is undoubtedly the world’s most desirable player however, so given the Galacticos-era at The Bernabeu not so long ago now, would it really be that unexpected if they did in fact land the Premier League’s leading goal-scorer? He has already said that Real would be the only other team he’d consider playing for, and even his mother agrees that it would be the dream move for the winger who is still just 23 years old.

As a professional footballer, the pinnacle of the club game is clearly the Champions League, so if Manchester United failed to even reach the final again this year, might that plant the seed of doubt in Ronaldo’s mind? If Real were to defend their La Liga crown this season, and also take the coveted European crown for a staggering 10^th time, it would be very difficult to turn down that kind of interest, even putting aside the proposed wages. Madrid are very much returning to their former glory this year after several seasons of less than spectacular performances, but when you look at the current crop of young exciting talent at Old Trafford then surely that is enough to match anyone, even Real and Barce? It’s an exciting time for both clubs, with Manchester United aiming to replicate their 1999 Treble win, and Real finally playing with that characteristic swagger once again.

To further fuel speculation, Ronaldo’s agent Jorge Mendes has been holding meetings with Madrid’s sporting director Predrag Mijatovic this week, but Mendes is obviously quick to play down any significance here. Madrid are well known for making their interest in players very public as a way to try to destabilise them and their current club, but it must be said that almost without exception, they have always still succeeded in getting their man, whether it be David Beckham or Zinedine Zidane. Real president Ramon Calderon finally had these cryptic words to offer last weekend on a Madrid fans forum: “To sign Cristiano Ronaldo is a dream, but it is not impossible.”

Say what you want about his diving and arrogance, but no-one can deny that as a national league, he would be considerably lacking with his flair and entertainment. Alex Ferguson has unsurprisingly rubbished all this talk as idle gossip, but much like Paris Hilton, if Real want something, more often than not they get it…

Wazza and the Axe Murderers

As anyone with any experience will tell you, learning to play the guitar can be pretty frustrating, but as with everything else, is also ultimately all the more rewarding when you finally do master it. Don’t tell that to Wayne Rooney however, as after just a couple of months of weekly music lessons, the Manchester United star has decided it’s far too difficult and has cancelled any desire to pursue it.

Rooney apparently struggled with the basics of the instrument, moaning to United team-mates that he couldn’t handle getting his fingers in the right places for all the chords, and also that he surprisingly found reading music to be just a touch outside his intellectual comfort zone. The England forward revealed to The Sun: “I’ve been trying to learn to play the guitar but it’s doing my head in. It’s really hard!” Alas dear readership, this is a sad day for a British music scene that has long been waiting for it’s next stage of evolution, and had pinned so many hopes on Rooney revitalizing it. Good news however for Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page though; they will undoubtedly be breathing a collective sigh of relief now that Rooney’s prodigal talent has been curbed, and their place in the history books is once again secured.

This comes just months after his “style icon” fiancée Coleen splashed out thousands of pounds on a red Gibson guitar for his 22^nd birthday, and even went to the trouble of sending it to legendary Oasis star Noel Gallagher for a birthday message. Not exactly the sharpest tool in the box however, Coleen failed to realize that not only does Noel generally hate most people from Liverpool, but he also supports the other Manchester based team, City. Ever the joker therefore, Noel secretly had the guitar spray painted sky-blue in City’s colours and instead of the masturbatory message Coleen was expecting, Gallagher instead simply wrote “Happy Birthday Fatboy” in black magic marker all over the expensive gift. Suffice to say, Wayne was a little confused when he opened the gift, but Gary Neville was on hand to point out the gag-orchestrater, as he himself had been on the end of the same joke in 2000!

So what next then for the music-obsessed striker? Well, he has supposedly set his sights on a new instrument to master, and one that is perhaps more closely aligned with his other main hobby of ‘hitting stuff.’ Yes that’s right, Rooney is now learning the drums, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have absolutely no desire to ever see or hear him play them. Ever.

Fisticuffs in the North West

Jamie Carragher was arrested on Tuesday and charged with common assault. It's not clear what happened, but Carragher has admitted to the charges and has been given a caution.

In his defense, Carragher didn't say this:

'Eeerm, cwa gioend hif sbcui out on the town with some mates, like. Den swa rigga heem twa all lairy and pissed. Jeer spa knocked his block off. Eeeerm.'

In other related news, the head of the Neville clan Neville Neville was involved in an scrap with another man in a car park. Neville was knocked to the ground by his assailant before the eldest of the litter, Gary, could come to his rescue.

UPDATE - More details have emerged about the incident and it all seems a bit stupid, really. A police source had this to say:

“To be honest, it was all a bit of handbags at dawn and nobody quite knows what kicked the whole situation off. There is a suggestion that Carragher knew the man and there was some ill feeling between them from the past.”

Mr Nice Guy?

He’s the face of middle class football, the BBC and also Walkers Crisps, so beneath that competently ironed shirt and silver fox hairstreaks Gary Lineker must be perfect, right? On the pitch, his behaviour was always exemplary; never received a booking, never mouthed off at an official and never even casually mooned the opposition fans. Off the pitch however, his busy hands are as legendary as his England goal-scoring record, although it’s hard to find much solid fact to back up the numerous stories of what he got up to in sextra time, as he reportedly used to call it.

His 20 year marriage dissolved a couple of years ago now, amid constant hearsay in the press that he was seeing a string of women behind his wife’s back, but there was strangely no suggestion in the actual courtroom that this was the motivating factor of the split. Various names have been mentioned time and time again in the press, but like any good cad, Lineker is always quick to point out their long friendship, or the woman’s husband, or that really he prefers gingers. Barbados neighbour Denise Moore, part-time punching bag Ulrika Jonsson, professional exhibitionist Tara Stout and Eimear Montgomerie, ex-wife of golfer Colin, are just four names from the spotlight that Lineker has been seen with, but to be honest, there seems to be little more to go on than conjecture and the odd handjob.

With an estimated fortune of over £30million though, and a smile that says “don’t worry my bed has waterproof sheets,” it’s no wonder that Lineker hasn’t exactly hung around waiting to court his ex-wife all over again. No instead he has done the best thing a man can do; date a girl nearly half his age with huge cans. Danielle Bux is the lucky lady’s name, and the 28 year old air stewardess / model has already been treated to sexy parties in Miami, Rome, Vienna, Barbados and Leicester, although reports of them joining the mile-high club are yet to be confirmed or denied. With previous WAG experience attached to ex-Coventry centre-back Adam Willis, as well as Scottish egg-chaser Simon Danielli, she seems perfect to step into the breach, however the Daily Fascist thinks otherwise, actually having the audacity to call her a “poisoned chalice” earlier this year. So what else is there to say about her? Well not much…other than to wish her lots of luck taking her top off to kickstart that modelling career. Check the slightly too racy for work pics at the NOTW.

We leave you then with something quite bizarrely hot, as Ms Bux stars in a recent music video which rips off 80s teen ‘classic’ Weird Science. The good stuff begins about a minute and a half in, and as ever, enjoy with the sound off…

Chelsea's 'F-word' May Stand for 'Fired'

All is not well in West London following Chelsea's defeat in the Carling Cup on Sunday. A number of players are upset at not being included in the first team and many fans are questioning Avram Grant's tactics, as he deployed grumpmeister Nicolas Anelka as a left winger, where he barely touched the ball. Players the have got the hump include Joe Cole, who only came on as a substitute in extra time and Michael Ballack, who may be playing the best football of his Chelsea career, while there are murmurings that the club has gone 'backwards' under Grant's stewardship. This pile of rumours has been tempered by the announcement that Grant will be given £100 million to spend over the summer, which is just going to push up prices for every other club.

Celebrity smoker Henk ten Cate appears to have been a target for players' frustrations, admitting to having a training ground bust up with John Terry. He had this to say:

"We are both kind of emotional, but we respect each other fully. We just had a discussion about the intensity of the training session. That's a normal part of the game. There have been a few F-words, no doubt. But that's common in England."

This sort of schoolground vocabulary is amusing, but it leaves you wondering whether Terry used the C-word as well. Ten Cate has been at Chelsea for less than 6 months and his style has not been appreciated, with some players suggesting that his man management leaves a lot to be desired. Add this to the suspicion that he's the replacement for Steve Clark, who is a Chelsea man through and through, and Ten Cate's position may become untenable.

It may not be Ten Cate who is in the most danger, however. Responsibilty for failure in the Carling Cup has to fall on Grant, who also handled the privileged players very badly in the buildup to the final. It turns out that the starting 11 were named just before kick-off, while the players who weren't involved in the game didn't even get a hotel room. It is hard to feel sorry for these players, as they must have hated the extra 30 minute drive in their Bentleys and Chelsea tractors, but upsetting influential members of the team is not the best way to prepare for a cup final.

The fans' accusations of 'backwardness' are serious, but it is easy to see where they are coming from. Apart from the bombastic 6-0 victory over Man City which secured Grant a permenant contract, Chelsea's results under Grant have been positive, yet uninspiring. Fabio Capello can testify to this, after he was sacked by Real Madrid after a year for his negative football, even though they won La Liga on the last day of the season. Grant's situation is not helped by the news that he may be kicked off his UEFA Pro License course, for failing to attend a number of seminars.

It's unlikely that Abramovic would be rash enough to sack Grant before the end of the season and bring in his third manager of the season, but if he has lost the respect and control in the dressing room, keeping him around will surely only serve to damage the team.

STT at Soccerlens - A Vital Step for Football Equality?

A while ago, we posted a story about Sepp Blatter's comments regarding women's football. He suggested that the only way for them to make the game more popular is if they played in skimpy and tight fitting outfits. Although the idea is appreciated, Blatter's sexy suggestions may be those of an older generation.

Anyway, the mighty Soccerlens decided to run a piece on this topic and hired STT's brightest minds to write further on this subject. Check it out.

Are You Mexican or Mexican’t?

A question that perhaps we’ve all considered at some stage in our lives, but for young striker Jesus Padilla, it’s all proved a bit too much for him. You see, Jesus is a rising star at Mexico’s prominent Chivas club, based in Guadalajara, and they have a strict tradition of only fielding Mexican players. It’s a policy that has it’s advocates and also its critics, for obvious reasons, but the fans there love that no foreigners will ever play for their proud old club.

Padilla has thusfar appeared mainly just for Chivas’ second division feeder club Tapatio, but he already has been given the nickname of “El Gringo” just because he spent a couple of years living in California. Sports Illustrated however have decided that it’s their duty to ruin the poor kid’s career, and just recently dug up evidence that he was in fact born in the US, and not as his Chivas papers say, in the Mexican state of Jalisco. It’s hard to conceive, but to all intents and purposes Padilla is finished at Chivas because of this technicality, and is likely to have to return to the States to have any further chance of raising his footballing stock.

To all of you thinking that this is probably all just posturing, Chivas really are serious, as demonstrated by the case of Gerado Mascareno about a decade ago now. He had enjoyed a decent career around the Mexican league before in 1998 earning a dream move to Chivas. It then came out that Mascareno was actually born in Maryland, USA, and almost instantly he was shown the backdoor at the Guadalajara club. Former Chivas player, and current Chivas USA captain, Claudio Suarez said that put simply, the fans would never accept anyone not 100% Mexican: “In Guadalajara, there is a great passion for the club and some bring up ‘because they only play with Mexican players.’ So there was the conflict with the fans who did not want him (Mascareno) to play there anymore.”

Thankfully for Mascareno he had many previous years experience under his belt, so was able to prolong his career for several more seasons. For Padilla however, things are less certain. Recent official word from Chivas is that they will consider the player “Mexican enough for us” (Spanish speakers amongst you check here for the full statement) and continue playing him, despite their previous history, but whether Padilla will ever have the fans full support is yet to be seen.

Another high profile example of this that many people aren’t aware of is Athletic Bilbao in La Liga. They are famous in Spain for a strict youth team policy of only bringing young players into their set-up who are from the Basque region in the country. Additionally, Bilbao will also only sign professional players native to one of the seven Basque provinces: Biscay, Guipúzcoa, Álava and Navarre in Spain, and Labourd, Soule and Lower Navarre in France. As with Chivas, this has gained the club a fair amount of controversy, and accusations of racism, but again fans point to the incredible passion within the team, and the promotion of club loyalty in the region.

So given the somewhat cosmopolitan nature of the English Premier League at the moment, is a policy like this ever likely to be considered over here by anyone? Unlikely because of the racist implications, and opposition to EU ‘freedom of work’ laws, but part of me can’t help but feel that it’s admirable for a club to take a stand to encourage homegrown talent and local pride.

Car Wars

Isn’t it nice to know that less than a year after so many Premier League footballers failed to cough up even one day’s wages for the ‘Mayday for Nurses’ charity, the boys up at Manchester United are having a weekly tussle to see who can buy the most expensive and fancy car. This also comes not long after revelations last year of the elite drinking games that go on when all these clowns get together on a night out; whoever turns up at the bar with the least cash on them, has to cover the whole night for everyone, no matter what extravagancies the others can come up with. It’s nice to know that their £100,000 a week isn’t being wasted eh?

Wayne Rooney has this week been speaking to a Mercedes dealership down in leafy Surrey, with a mind to purchase a stunning McLaren-Mercedes SLR Roadster, but bizarrely only on the proviso that they can get him one with red seats. As the world’s fastest production convertible, the hefty price-tag of £350,000 is justified by the face-melting acceleration and a top speed of more than 200 mph. You’ll be pleased hear that Rooney already owns a Bentley Continental GT, a Range Rover and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, but this latest target aims to blow all his team-mates out of the water.

Not exactly a man to be outdone however, Cristiano Ronaldo has put his name on the 12-month waiting list for perhaps the only car in the world more exclusive than the majestic SLR. Having taken a shine to it filming recent Nike adverts, Ronaldo is keen to have a Bugatti Veyron of his own, despite the unbelievable £875,000 price tag. Other celebrities already enjoying what Jeremy Clarkson has called 'the best car that will ever.............. be made' include Simon Cowell and Tom Cruise; one is an evil cult leader, serenading the masses with opiates of a bright future drawn from science fiction, the other is Tom Cruise.

McLaren were yesterday available for comment, and when asked if Cristiano might be able to jump the queue, a representative had this to offer: “There is a client list which includes some of the wealthiest people in the world but he has to get in line like everyone else.”

Check out Nemanja's Yugo! It's funny cos he's poor!

Therapy Schmerapy

Seriously Cheryl, when in history has talking about your problems ever solved anything? Everyone knows that the only way to get your life back on track is to sleep with a blog-writer (preferably an award winner). Anyway, this week Ms Tweedy has turned to a self-professed love doctor in a last gasp effort to save her sham of a marriage to Chelsea bench-warmer Ashley Cole, seeing the therapist twice-a-day to stay emotionally stable. The counsellor has suggested the couple attend some sessions together, and Cole must also meet a quack several times by himself to help understand why he is fundamentally such a twat. The ex-England defender is said to be mortified at the idea of talking not in football cliches, even cleverly joking with team-mates that the whole therapy idea is nothing but “mumbo jumbo.”

(L-R) vomit inducing Aimee, trashy Brooke and horse frightening Coralie

Since the story of his romantic vomiting adventure with Aimee Walton broke in the press, further harlots have come out of the woodwork claiming he had sex with them too. The illustrious list now reads as follows according to The Daily Star: hairdresser Aimee Walton, 23; model Brooke Healy, 23; and brunette Coralie Robinson, 26 (presumably being ‘brunette’ is considered a job these days). The latter two both claim that in the last few years Cole has had one night stands with them, only to bung them some cash in the morning to keep them quiet; £6,000 to Healy, but £10,000 to Robinson. STT wonders that even if you don’t actually ask for it up front, but still accept money the morning after sex, does that make you a whore?

Cheryl’s answer is to draw up a so-called marriage charter (insert your own Magna Carta pun here), and demand Ashley signs it before even considering letting him back near her honey pot. This includes stipulations that he makes at least one romantic gesture a week, ditches his boozy pals and spends more quality time with her. An unnamed gal pal helpfully added: “Without this Cheryl won’t consider rebuilding her marriage.”

In all seriousness, if they do agree to get back together, STT suggests Ashley ignore all of this emotional crap, and instead plan a quick-fix solution such as getting her knocked up. Not that we’d ever condone having a band-aid baby to keep a girl who you’re punching above your weight with, we have heard however that replacing contraceptive pills with peanut M&Ms is a certain Hollywood actor’s signature move…

Roflcopter!

Like WAGs, but love Racism?

Well then STT might have found the girl for you! The Guardian reported over the weekend that Jadene Bircham, wife of current Yeovil superstar Marc, joined a Facebook group entitled ‘If you don’t like England then fuck off to where you come from!’ Sounds perfect right? While she waxes lyrical about all of ‘them’ stealing our jobs and raising crime-rates, you can just stare at her cans and use your mind to think about things

She claims she didn’t realize it was a racist group (seriously) and apparently the prevalence of Ku Klux Klan imagery and citation wasn’t enough of a clue for the former model. She offered this in her defence: “I didn’t bother having a good look at it,” while also maintaining that similar groups ‘Fuck off we’re full’ and ‘There’s no black in the Union Jack’ were just misunderstood too.

Perhaps we’re doing Mrs Bircham a disservice though, because she actually seems like an alright girl, despite her involvement with the televisual abortion that was WAGs Boutique. She has three kids which she actually looks after herself, and even runs her own modeling agency, Jam Management. To add further kudos, she got her big break on TV alongside everyone’s favourite strawberry blonde, Chris Evans, co-presenting 90s uber-hit Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush. She subsequently moved onto ITV’s Pulling Power where she met future husband Marc while he was still playing for QPR. He’s the guy who died his hair blue and white in the club’s colours, and when asked about it, Jadene had these words: “Well at least you didn’t have to shag it. It was like going to bed with a Smurf.”

So what’s her advice for getting off with a model? Simple: “Just get her pissed and hope for the best — that’s how Marc pulled me.” Waaaaaay ahead of you there love. It is a Tuesday after all.

Moral of the story here folks seems to be pretty obvious: it’s ok for a girl to be racist as long as she’s fit and into some kinky shit.

50 Things you didn't Know About Gazza

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.

2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse: "Church Of England."

3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.

4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Bud Abbot.

5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with film of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'F***ing W***ker'. The BBC had to use it all the way through the tournament.

6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.

7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off Norway." Then ran off laughing.

8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.

9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.

10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.

11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton'.

12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.

13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.

14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.

15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.

16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.

17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."

18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.

19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.

20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue lolling out.

21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.

22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza'.

23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.

24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat excrement.

25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.

26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.


27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.

28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.

29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.

30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.

31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice.

32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest. Picked bingo.

33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."

34) Stuck his tongue out when the TV cameras panned past him during the national anthem at Italia 90.

35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.

36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the 1991 FA Cup Final.

37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for 'photo opportunities'.

38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barbers and demanded "a Waddle cut".

39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."

40) Asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.

41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.

42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers".

43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.

44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.

45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh".

46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.

47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read:
'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer'.

48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta'.

49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.

50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!"

Please Give Footballers Booze More Often!

Hutton and King - after downing 7 bottles of Buckie

Mmmmmmashed

To celebrate winning the Carling Cup yesterday, Spurs players were encouraged by boss Juande Ramos to go out and enjoy themselves, and judging from these pictures they certainly did that! No, these were not taken after an all-day session playing Jeff Stelling’s Drinking Game, but rather at 2 am this morning outside London scumhole club Faces on Cranbrook Road

JJ - modelling the zombie look

Strict hardman Ramos joked yesterday: “I have had a drink with them in the dressing-room — even though you cannot tell. It’s quite a nice diet and sometimes they are allowed to have a good time. Sometimes it lets them eat and drink totally out of control — and yes, that includes champagne!”

Lennon - half the size, twice the fight

All in all, there’s no real content to this, it’s really just an excuse to post the below hilarious photo of Ledley King, it’s a big look!

Ledley fights to get to the bar for another round of nipple sambucas

SEXY UPDATE: Ledley actually got kicked out of the club and properly kicked off when he wasn't allowed back in. From STT's experience, bouncers are always happy to let you back into clubs once you've been kicked out. The old 'Mate, my wallet's in there' routine works every time. In Ledley's dreams.