Get Your Tits Out for Carew!

Anyone who spends much time around ‘Browns’ in East London will know that I’m down there most lunchtimes and every evening. You see, sipping flat lager surrounded by Eastern European strippers is just what happens to motivate me, and ensures I produce the best work possible. I seem to have found a kindred spirit in enormous Norwegian striker John Carew, who last week decided to warm up for Villa’s huge UEFA Cup tie with Ajax by visiting a lap dancing club hours before kick-off. He clearly knows as well as I do the serenity that comes from staring through the soulless openings that these girls call eyes, and who, in a moment of stress, hasn’t engaged in a bit of light-hearted thonging?

Well, apparently Martin O’Neill, because the Villa gaffer saw fit to fine Carew £100,000 after the incident. Carew did however prove his critics wrong, by returning to the side this weekend to bag a goal in his team’s demolition of Wigan at the JJB. This begs the question: should footballers be able to do whatever they want in their spare time so long as they perform on the pitch? I mean, short of shooting smack and knocking hookers about anyway.

Villa skipper, and STT favourite, Martin Laursen said: “He should not take one step inside that (lap-dancing) club because that was wrong and not what we do the day before a game. I was surprised he behaved like that, but I think he has realised that and I don't think he will ever do it again. I don't think he was there after midnight from what he has said. But he knew that he should have been with us at the hotel. It has nothing to do with his dedication to Aston Villa. He is a very serious footballer and he wants to do well. We don't want to be without him - not at all. He is so important to us. When he didn't play, the fans were singing for him. They love him and he is forgiven.”

Midfielder Stiliyan Petrov has a slightly different opinion though: “I think we should let him go out every night if he plays like that! We all motivate ourselves in different ways and maybe that is his way - he should go lap-dancing more often! We don't worry about each other's private lives - it is what is done on the pitch that matters.” Amen Stiliyan, amen… just try explaining that to my boss though. And girlfriend.